Yearnings
by DarkDreamer56
Summary: NS Grissom muses on the relationship between Nick and Sara, and what could have been. Healthy dose of Grissom angst


Title: Yearnings  
Author: DarkDreamer56  
Archive: If you want it, ask please!  
Rating: T  
Pairing: N/S, Grissom angst  
Disclaimer: I don't own them, but I did find out today that one of my dad's customers grew up with none other than Anthony Zuiker… :)  
Spoilers: Nothing particularly revealing

A/N: I don't know where exactly this came from, but I've been in the mood for some Grissom angst, so I decided to go with it. I hope you enjoy, and as always, feel free to let me know what you think!

* * *

Sara snapped her phone shut and leaned her head back against the passenger seat with a sigh. It had been a long shift, and she looked exhausted.

"Everything alright?" Grissom inquired quietly, navigating his way back towards the LVPD Crime Lab. He hadn't been able to discern much from her side of the conversation.

"Maggie's sick, the babysitter dropped her off at the lab."

Grissom furrowed his brow. "Why would she do that?"

Sara sighed again. "I don't know, we've been having problems with her lately…but Maggie's with Greg now."

"We're only a couple of minutes out…"

"It's okay, Greg thinks Nick will be back any minute, he went on a donut run for Warrick, but he forgot to take his phone…" Sara sighed yet again, and began to nervously drum her fingers along the door.

The rest of the drive was made in silence. Grissom could tell that Sara was worried about Maggie, and exhausted from a tough shift, a combination that anyone knew was deadly. As for Grissom, Maggie had always proved to be a sore spot with him. He was as captivated by the small beauty as everyone else in the lab, but it was for a much different reason. To him, little Margaret Amelia Stokes represented everything in life that Grissom would never have; a family, a diversion outside of work, and most importantly to him, Sara. Hearing about the little girl, no matter how happy she made her parents, always made Grissom contemplate exactly what he had given up.

Even Grissom could see the arrogance in assuming that Sara would wait for him forever, but that didn't stop him from stringing her along for years; he always fed her just enough to get by for a few more months. Unfortunately, he made the mistake fatal to all scientists; he stopped observing Sara. He didn't notice that her end of the string became increasingly lax, and then dropped entirely. He ignored the fact that Sara was falling head over heels for Nick until it was too late to change her mind; maybe it had always been too late, Grissom wasn't ever quite sure about that.

He didn't want to begrudge Nick his happiness, Nick had been through more in the past several years than any of them could even imagine. But on his worst days, Grissom wondered why Nick's happiness had to be with Sara. It was nice to see Nick smiling and full of life again, but it anguished Grissom to know that it was Sara, _his_ Sara, that put the smile back onto Nick's face. Unlike Grissom, Nick had been able to embrace that happiness for all it was worth, not lock it up to study under a microscope until it wilted away. Many times, Grissom had wanted to ask Nick how he was able to do that, but things had been strained between them as of late; Grissom supposed that knowing another man was in love with your wife would do that.

Grissom pulled into his parking space, not surprised that Sara was out of the car and almost to the entrance of the lab before he had even turned off the ignition. Motherhood had changed Sara in more ways than Grissom had ever thought possible. Work no longer consumed her life; for the first time, Sara was able to leave work at the door, and devote all of her time outside of the lab to her little family. It softened her too; the fire in her personality was still there, but she had a much tighter rein on it, while simultaneously allowing herself to show vulnerability and rely on others. He had even observed a marked change in her relationship with Catherine; the two women shared a closeness now that Grissom would have never thought possible.

Grissom wearily climbed out of his car, pulling the box of evidence that he and Sara had spent nearly the entire shift collecting, out of the trunk. He walked slowly, dreading the scene that he knew he would find in the break room. Sure enough, Grissom made his way towards his office, only to spy Nick handing off a very sleepy looking two year old to his wife.

Maggie wrapped her arms around her mother's neck, burying her face into Sara's shoulder. Sara supported her on one hip, softly stroking Maggie's hair, a tangle of chestnut curls that hung halfway down her back.

Nick reached out towards Sara, running his hand down her back and stopping at the small of her back to rub gently. Sara smiled at him, in the way that her face lit up only for Nick, before leaning over to plant a soft kiss on Nick's waiting lips before returning her attention to their daughter.

These were the moments that Grissom hated the most; the intimate, discrete gestures that screamed how in love they were. Yet, he couldn't help but watch in awe at the interaction that had eluded him for so much of his life. In the beginning, Grissom had tried to convince himself that it was only natural that Sara and Nick's friendship would solidify in the aftermath of Nick's burial; everyone was aware of what they almost lost during those terrifying twenty-four hours.

But Grissom failed to notice, or more appropriately, chose to ignore the fact that no one else on the team locked eyes with Nick, ignoring everyone else in the room; no one else let their fingertips linger that long on his arm while they brushed past each other in the hall.

All of those things, Grissom was able to block out or explain away in his own mind, but it was only a matter of time before he came across a situation that would not reconcile itself so easily. It had been a long shift, particularly rough for Sara, and Grissom decided to check on her, under the guise of needed her to sign off on a report. He made his way to the locker room, hoping that he could catch her before she dragged herself home, or worse, to the nearest bar.

She was still there alright, but she was most certainly not alone, and in the middle of a rather involved kiss. Hands were groping everywhere, and Grissom remembered thinking that a dime would not have fit between the two before he numbly made his way back to his office, report unsigned. It took him three hours of sitting in silence, but Grissom finally convinced himself that what he had walked in on was merely two friends seeking comfort from each other in a way that was completely inappropriate, and it would probably ruin their relationship in a matter of weeks. They had succumbed to temptation, and it would be the thing that finally drove them apart. He didn't even feel the need to punish them for such inappropriate behavior at work; he thought that the fallout of their actions would be punishment enough.

It was the next night that Nick found Grissom sitting in his office before shift. Nick closed the door behind him, refusing Grissom's stiff offer to sit down. Instead, Nick told him simply that he and Sara were seeing each other, and that to their knowledge, there was no policy forbidding it. Grissom looked Nick square in the eye, realizing for the first time that he had been blind for months. Nick was in love, painfully in love with Sara, and Grissom didn't need to see her own face to know that it was mutual. Nick's tone dared Grissom to try and challenge him, and Grissom almost wanted to chuckle at the absurdity. Why would Nick think that Grissom would be able to fight for Sara while she was in love with someone else, when he had never been able to do it when it was Grissom that lay claim to her heart? Ever since, Grissom had observed her from afar. They were discrete about their relationship in the lab, but Grissom never missed the looks they shot one another as they walked past each other in the hall, or the way that their hands lingered as they handed paperwork across the table. And every time that Grissom saw them leaving the lab together after shift, Nick's hand was always firmly grasping hers.

No matter how much he want to, Grissom could not step away from the break room entrance; he was surprised that he had not been spotted by Nick yet.

"I hear that you're not feeling very good, Maggie Mae," Sara whispered, so softly that Grissom almost didn't hear her, planting a kiss on the top of her daughter's head.

"My tummy 'urts," the chestnut beauty replied, taking a lock of Sara's hair into her chubby fingers and beginning to twirl it.

"She's running a fever," Nick added quietly, reaching over to rub Maggie's back.

Sara placed her own hand on Maggie's forehead to confirm for herself. "We'll need to pick up some Children's Tylenol on the way home." Sara tried unsuccessfully to suppress a yawn.

Nick's eyes reflected concern as he brushed a stray piece of hair from his wife's eyes, an intimate gesture that Grissom had never been brave enough to try himself; for Nick though, it seemed like second nature. "I'll stay up with her tonight, you need to get some rest."

"I'm fine," Sara protested, rubbing small circle's across her daughter's back. Maggie buried her face deeper into Sara's shoulder.

"You've been tossing and turning all week sweetheart. You're not going to do anything but go home, take a bath, and go to bed."

Grissom could see the smile tugging at Sara's lips as she quirked an eyebrow at Nick. "So now you're relegating me to our two year old daughter's nightly routine?"

Nick smirked while wrapping an arm around her shoulder. "Well for you, it's more like a morning routine, but yeah. You need the rest, I'm going to take care of my girls today, no arguments."

The easiness of Nick and Sara's interaction had baffled Grissom from day one, and it had only intensified once the two had become involved in a relationship. Sometimes he cursed the return of his hearing, mostly when he stumbled upon the intimate moments that he couldn't help but overhear. Maybe he was masochistic, but he was sure that this was yet another moment he could add to the list of moments that proved Sara had moved on, not only from his world, but the universe he inhabited entirely.

She leaned into Nick's embrace for a moment, the fatigue she was feeling evident on her face. "I may skip the bath and go straight to bed. They aren't as fun anyways, when it's just me." Despite the fatigue, there was a glimmer in her eye, and Nick chuckled in response, before planting a quick kiss against her hair.

"Tomorrow after work, it's you, me, and lots of bubbles."

"I'll hold you to that. Maybe tonight…backrub?" Sara asked hopefully, straightening herself out as Maggie began to get restless.

"And footrub."

Sara smiled softly. "You're too good to me."

Nick shrugged as a lopsided smile spread across his face. "I just think you're worth it."

"Go home?" Maggie interrupted, sniffling a little as she clutched her mother's hair.

"We're going home soon, sweet pea," Nick drawled quietly, rubbing her back soothingly. "Mommy and Daddy just need to finish a few things."

"Go home Mommy?" she pleaded again, sadly, a tear trickling from each of her wide brown eyes.

"Shh, close your eyes Maggie." Grissom saw a few tears fight to the surface of Sara's eyes, and any doubt that she would not be staying to help him with the case was removed. Sara carefully made her way to the couch in the corner, dropping down onto it and cuddling the little girl to her chest. Sara began to sing softly, something that Grissom did not recognize, probably the same song that sung Maggie to sleep every night. Nick was gathering some papers from the break room table, and it was then that Grissom realized that he should get to his office before either noticed that he was standing there.

Five years ago, if Grissom would have asked Sara to stay, she would have done it with a smile on her face. Four years ago, she would have agreed to it, but she would have walked Nick out to his Denali, and returned twenty minutes later, more disheveled than Grissom ever chose to acknowledge. Even when they married the next year, Sara would stay, but more often than not Nick would remain behind as well. The first time that he asked Sara to stay, and she refused, Grissom was stymied. It took him a full minute to process her saying no, she had promised Nick she would be home straight after work that morning. It wasn't until a week later that he understood why; Nick came into his office again before shift, quietly requesting that Grissom not ask Sara to work any overtime for awhile, that he would pick up the slack for the both of them. When Grissom's inquisitive eyes probed Nick to explain further, the man couldn't stop the smile spreading across his face as he announced that he was going to be a father.

Grissom quickly checked the evidence in, and started towards his office before he realized that he had gone more than an entire shift without eating or having any coffee to sustain him. At least this time he had a legitimate reason for going into the break room.

Greg was sitting on the table now, talking to Sara and trying to be careful not to disturb the little girl finally sleeping on Sara's lap.

"You'll have to bring her by one day when she's feeling better," Greg told Sara, taking a bite from the sandwich in front of him. "I've got another stuffed animal for her."

"Greg, between you, Warrick, and Catherine, I can barely find her in the pile of toys in her room. But maybe I'll just drop her off for some quality time with Uncle Greg," Sara yawned. Grissom fought a pang of something, not quite jealousy, but quite a close relative. From the first day, it had been Uncle Greg, Uncle Warrick, and Aunt Catherine, but he was always Mr. Grissom. It was odd to hear such a formal name coming from such a tiny, wispy voice. He supposed that was Nick's doing, and truthfully, Grissom had never warmed up to the little girl the way Catherine, Warrick, and Greg had.

"She wearing you two down?"

"Always." Sara yawned again.

"You can always hand her off to us for a little bit," Catherine called quietly, smiling when she saw the sleeping angel.

"I don't think that's a good idea, if you're still trying to convince Warrick for one of your own," Sara threw back, smiling as Nick followed Catherine and Warrick into the room. He had their belongings in hand, and dropped wearily down next to Sara on the couch.

"She's an angel," Catherine argued lightly, tapping Grissom with her hip as she tried to squeeze in to make her own cup of coffee.

"No, I do believe she takes after Nick here. Always getting into some kind of trouble…" Sara nudged her husband's arm gently.

"Hey," Nick protested mildly, "I believe that her stubbornness and ability to throw tear inducing tantrums are more your kind of thing than mine darlin." He smiled and threw an arm around Sara.

"She always behaves with us," Warrick added, "but I do agree that there is no mistaking Sara for her mother."

"She behaves for you because she's got all of you wrapped around her little finger," Sara replied, slightly adjusting Maggie so that she wasn't falling off of Sara's lap. "Uncle Warrick buys her pretty things, but Mommy is the one that says no to candy at the grocery store. I can't wait until you two have a kid, and I get to spoil them rotten and give them back at the end of the day." Sara smirked in Warrick's general direction as he rolled his eyes, but made no move to comment on her statement.

Catherine finished readying her cup of coffee and turned back towards the group. Her eyes settled on Maggie one more time, and Grissom couldn't help but hear the sigh from her lips; Lindsey was in high school now, and Catherine had confided to Grissom once that now that she was with Warrick, she missed having a little one around.

"You two make such gorgeous babies," she murmured, "When are you going to have another one?"

There was no argument to Catherine's statement; Maggie was a beautiful child, a combination of both her parents' best features. She had Sara's wide, curious brown eyes and chestnut curls, but her smile was all Nick. The first time Grissom had laid eyes on her, as the team surprised them with a welcome home party when the two were released from the hospital, he knew that she would be as beautiful as her mother, and that was perhaps another reason why Grissom had always kept the little girl from worming her way into his heart.

Sara glanced over at Nick, shyly smiling as she held Maggie closer. "Actually Cath, in about six months or so." That was not the expected response to Catherine's question, as silence descended over the room. Nick grinned and reached over for Sara's hand.

It took a second for the room to process the information. Grissom thought that he should have been more startled by the revelation, but all he felt was another pang of regret.

"How long have you known?" Catherine demanded as Warrick and Greg offered their congratulations.

"Just a few weeks, we wanted to figure out the best way to break the news." Nick was beaming at his friends; Grissom knew how much Nick valued his family, and the chance to expand that family made Nick positively ecstatic. A glance over at Sara confirmed that she was practically glowing with happiness.

The rest of the team chattered around him happily as Grissom let the information sink in. Somehow, news of a second child hit him more soundly than when Nick announced that Sara was pregnant with Maggie. Two children solidified their union in a way that Maggie never had in Grissom's mind. A few minutes later, Grissom realized that he had never responded to Sara's declaration, and he numbly offered his congratulations before retreating to his office.

He watched fifteen minutes later as Nick and Sara headed out towards the parking lot, Nick grasping Sara's hand in one hand, and holding onto his sleeping daughter with the other arm. Maggie's arms were wrapped around her father's neck, one hand brought up to her mouth, sucking on her thumb. It was a familiar sight to Grissom, and he sighed. This time, however, something was different. For the first time, Grissom did not find himself wishing that it was him, holding onto Sara's hand along with their sleeping child; instead, he wished that he could finally feel content with the bit of happiness that Nick and Sara had found in each other.

It was something to consider, he thought, as he sat in his office, long after the rest of the shift had left for the morning.

FIN.


End file.
